"It is today, my dear, that I take a perilous leap."-Voltaire

Good bye livejournal.

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 08:55:06 GMT

I've grown up..

I'm happy with who I am.

I love my boyfriend.

We're going to have an amazing life and I've never been more content letting go of everything in the past.

I'm lucky.

Sat, 13 Dec 2008 22:18:34 GMT

things are not well.

I'm standing on the edge... waiting.

Thu, 11 Sep 2008 11:08:52 GMT

The truth is I must have fucked up pretty badly to push my best friend away. . . I'm not even sure I know what happened anymore. Nothing more can be said at this point anyway, either the hatchet can or cannot be barried and I don't have the power to change anything after an appology. I miss her dearly though.

I'm living down south again, still working in seattle and will be living there again soon.

Drinking hasn't been happening like it used to, I realized that when I'm happy and comfortable I usually pace myself better. The world is hard, and ugly but occassionally it burts with beauty and light. I don't want to loose anyone else in my life because I'm being a professsional alcoholic jerk. . . I've met this group of people in seattle around my age that are locals, they seem different than the hipseter kids I've met thus far.

I've been reading a lot of Emma Goldmen lately and anarchist zines.
I started my own zine as well.

something new and different has started in my life...something rational. I don't want to announce it on here though.

deal.

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 20:25:38 GMT

basically shaved the head...
I have some sweet jedi locks though...or sailor moon hair...something to that effect.
also- she is making me crazzzzzy.
I love my job.....I keep trying to believe that because I believe so strongly in what I'm doing.

end transmission.

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 09:49:23 GMT

She.

She walks in as simply as she walked out. She never thought it really mattered, she always assumed it was all games. Love wasn't ever something she thought about, who was she fooling? That is all she ever yurned for, but this time she just walked away. For no reason except dely of intentions and simplistic reasoning. She built up this wall inside until it was too tall to see anything at all, beyond the giant gaping wound she called desire, lust, passion, in such a way that compassion had nothing to do with it. She kisses only for fun these days, not for passion or love like rays of sunshine that used to fill the places she called home, before the grey clouds settled over head. Once she heard a pure heart mutter "I love all of them in that moment." Now she wonders if she feels the same. Her permenant cynicism and ache are things that everyone see's now even through her glazed eyes and foggy headed grins, that smile that lit up the room, that lit up someone's heart, someone's love, is dead. That smile only happens with kisses that mean nothing from familiar strangers that she loves, yes loves, more deeply than the love she declared her own for all those years. Now everything she has and wants is scribbled down in incoherant fears on pages that aren't real, and never in her own hand writing. Clicking away, in secret and sometimes she shows it to the world. Nothing means everything to this girl, she see's self destruction and demise in the path she glides upon so easily. Bumpy roads held such promise and now that things run smoothly, she wants to fix it all. Make it feel better, please? Let her hang her head when she holds your hand, and watch as her pulse quickens and she shakes in your presense- is that fear? She hasn't hated you in months now, she hasn't cried in days....playing pretend always was her strong suite. Always was her favorite game.

The lines you wish you read
from books that without words provide,
lies and lines and simple finds,
nothing. meaning everything,
and the past is something to be forgotten.
erase lies from your life
erase time from your mind
and you'll see it there
in an unknown time zone
the love
the life
the lust
you miss the kind lies
gorgeous euphinisms for tainted nothings
wishphered into naive ears
and screamed in tear drenched faces.
you see nothing now in my once all telling eyes
something has to change
on days with walks in rain
standing there just to get wet
washing away everything
pretending that me and my conscience never met.

too much time stuck in my own words
too much time running through my own thoughts
I can't escape my own head
in these sober days of foggy left overs
slight intoxication
predelection and definition
problems and cures and all knowing advice that abounds
from nothing.
I just need to be told I'm okay
I just need to be told I'm all grown up
I just need to know that I'm all grown up now
mommy can't save me
neither can you now.
words of wisdom
sentences of contempt
are you attempting to try to hear words that were never said?
lies, loves, jealousy, and trust
families break, drug lust.
lies...continue
truth be told
I love you
I love life
peter pan never grew old
optimism does not forsake me
only shows hope
with smiles like plastic toys on lips of silk
I've always known, and you've always known
Nothing makes sense and the past is terrible place to live
looking forward
never back
new plans
pushing forward
"fuck you!" I retract
bitter words I said.
I didn't mean.
I'm all smiles I'm on the right track.

I'm learning why I'm beautiful and and fixing what I lack.

ps.
britt. you are my best friend. I'm sorry.

Mon, 11 Feb 2008 18:54:17 GMT

I have a lot going on these days and it would take an endless amount of time to update you all on all of it...but mostly let's say hip-hip-horray for my personal life..

I have the most amazing best friend in the world and I am SO lucky to know you and that you deal with me and love me.

My Boyfriend loves me- every ounce of me- every mistake I make- every flaw and has a keen eye for seeing my qualities. I am very very blessed.

I'm figuring out being thankful, and greatful, and such things...I think that is how you end up happy.

My family life is what it is... Mom is still sick and getting worse as the days pass.
We are fighting for custody of my baby brother.
Matt is still struggling.

we are all trying to be strong.
we are all always failing.

but I know that these things are natural.
I know that I will make it.

Honestly...she was an old maid on her 20th birthday.

Fri, 30 Nov 2007 01:49:48 GMT

I have a lot going on these days and it would take an endless amount of time to update you all on all of it...but mostly let's say hip-hip-horray..

I have the two most amazing best friends in the world and I am SO lucky to know both of them and that they deal with me and love me.

I LOVE YOU TWO LADIES MORE THAN ANYTHING...thank you for keeping me sane- calling me on my shit and having hella fun always.

second... I bought a new harmonica..it's pretty sexy.

third.... love is situational.

fourth... I want to be around people who love who I am...and not around ones who don't.

I'm figuring out being thankful, and greatful, and such things...I think that is how you end up happy.

that and really looking at situations for what they are...No more self justifying people treating me badly...

LOVES. to all.

Fri, 28 Sep 2007 23:23:47 GMT

okay, I've been in seclusion for a while now.. I just can't seem to desire to want to be out and about anymore. I've been looking a lot at my life and looking for reasons to be happy. But the truth is I'm still not at all.

I had surgery on thursday- a biopcsy I had been putting off for too long. It's offical- cancer... Dear God, I really thought this was only an irrational fear. The pathology won't be back for two weeks. On the eleventh will be staging- and we will talk about treatment options. I was dizy, just out of surgery and terrified when I heard the doctor mumble something about "I'm refering you to a really great oncologist".... the room continued to spin... "the pathology won't be in for two weeks but I'm sure it's an early staging.." I've slightly convinced myself that I'm still put under and I will wake up and they will tell me that I'm fine.. but I know I'm not. I'm sort of numb and I know my mother is a wreck about it she somehow feels responsible for passing some kind of gene or something- which is bull shit. I am angry, scared, and really lonely.

FUCK YOU VAGINA! all you ever do is cause me pain.

Sat, 15 Sep 2007 21:20:34 GMT

sauntering sadly towards the future
dragging my feet because I know
weeping wondering dreams
only turn to nightmares in my sleep.

love.

Fri, 31 Aug 2007 17:25:27 GMT

I'm going to bellingham.

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 22:38:05 GMT

I'm still living at home, it's really weird and kind of hard really. My mom is slowly dying before my eyes but I am expected to just pretend that things aren't happening that way and that magically she will get better when she will not. My little brother is so addicted to pills that he is making about $500 a week and is still broke he comes home 2 times a week once to ask if I want to buy weed and once to eat and sleep. He and I hung out the other night- I sat up painting and he was crying about some girl whom recently broke up with him- the hurt was so real that I couldn't handle it.. I used to just get mad at him, now I see that he is human and it's awkward. I work 45-50 hours a week and on the weekend just try to forget about home.

New music will be posted on myspace soon, I got a new keyboard it's fancy and fun.

also, I have a bunch of paintings that are taking up lots of space in my room, anyone want some?

Sat, 25 Aug 2007 21:36:52 GMT

This disgusting need to never be a lone has left me-
surrounded and suffocating in situations of complete chaos and distaste.

I am spending today alone...

although I'm open for phone calls if you dig on that sort of thing.

Fri, 24 Aug 2007 22:44:20 GMT

basically .

think gangster... not the usher type the G-unit type.

also think, punk rock... not the pop kind the dirty jobless kind...

then think real love and it will never happen.

confused.

and I know not one of you will ever understand any of this or the confusion.

also, I finally signed up for green peace.

sweet.

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 23:31:54 GMT

I'm back in one of those down times.

sucks.

Sun, 05 Aug 2007 18:51:11 GMT

there are certain things I wish with everything I had were easier; then I would know exactly what to do with some of this energy in my life. I'm finally okay with being single- and not looking, while I'm lonely I know that I won't be rushing into anything with anyone for a while it's great. I really want my next relationship to have a strong foundation before any labels or constrictions are thrown at me or the other person.

in other news: I thought I was over the whole dating girls thing and I've had a few dates this week- also I can't get him off my mind and it's awkward.

ummm... mom is doing pretty well, work is actually great, cell is still trashed, dyed my hair again it's looking rather nice oh and I'm recording a song soon for people to listen I couldn't put the other crap on here.

ooooh, and my birthday is the 19th make plans with me? really I just want an adventure and good company for my birthday...so let me know if you want to be involved.

Tue, 31 Jul 2007 21:42:13 GMT

baiscally, I'm just still figuring things out.

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 06:02:23 GMT

Most of the people on here have no idea what's been going on in my life, I've been a wreck since well... I can't remember far back enough to remember when exactly I felt the way I do now rather than the way I've been feeling. This isn't me proclaiming that I'm finally happy or whatever or that I've found the secret to life I've just found for a breif moment a bit and tiny bit of sanity. I made a list the other day and well- I'm doing it.

Alone or not I can do this.
I will always truly be alone, humans will always let me down as I will always let everyone around me down. Seeing as I'm stuck permanently alone with myself I've decided to spend more than a little time working on me and taking care of me.

You cannot have freedom without heartache- and sir I'm as free as a bird. So that means I'm alone with a broken heart. Fuck it. I'm free. I'm making a point to try to love myself.

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 06:49:31 GMT

allllsoooo.

my phone is dead...and the charger is missing and I can't call anyone I have no numbers.... my house number is 360-456-3190.

I'm off from friday to sunday... call me or drop by the rez mart between 3-midnight.

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 06:46:51 GMT

to be honest I'm falling apart.

but I feel the strongest I've ever been.

I can watch a sunset on my own I can be alone. I can be alone.

But honestly I would probably die without my weekends, they keep my going.

beach.
bathtub.
ferris wheel.
horses.
nicks
laser show.
gay club.

best friends.
love.

You know you made me happy you made me very very merry, but obviously you didn't want to stick around.... so I learned from you.

I can be alone.

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 15:41:34 GMT

I find myself wishing that someone would pull me up from the pool of disgusting goo I've been swimming in- maybe that's the problem all together me waiting for someone else to pull me out and not just climbing out myself.

Good god, maybe it will be this way forever.

Sun, 24 Jun 2007 20:16:11 GMT

dang it.

this really hurts.

I think I'm done being strong. I think I'm going to stop. I think I'm going to break hard this time...

catch me.

Sat, 23 Jun 2007 10:09:11 GMT

needless to say:

shut up.

Sat, 23 Jun 2007 02:23:31 GMT

I find that my best days are now my two precious days a week off, on these days I adventure with two of the most amazing people on the planet.

I've never had relationships or friendships that allowed for so much creative energy. I feel as though I connect on a different level with Brittany and Micheal than I do just about anyone else.

I went wading in the ocean.
Cuddled on the beach and watched the sun set.
sat by a fire and wrote for a long time
conversed on reality
read some of the Four agreements.
connected.

this morning I was woken up to a mirror in my face.
the day is not over.

This song captures my soul right now. If you haven't listened to it, you really should.

Coco Rosie- Werewolf.

In a dream I was a werewolf
My soul was filled with crystal light
Lavender ribbons of rain sang
Ridding my heart of mortal fight

Broken sundown fatherless showdown
Gun hip swollen lip bottle sip yeah i suck dick
Loose grip on gravity falls sky blinding crumbling walls
River sweep away my memories of
Children's things a young mother's love
Before the yearning song of flesh on flesh
Young hearts burst open wounds bleed fresh
A young brother skinny and tall my older walks
Oceanward and somber, slumber sleeping
Flowers in the water, but I’m just his daughter
Walking down an icy grave leading to my
Schizophrenic father. Weeping willow won't you wallow louder
Searching for my father's power

I'm a shake you off though
Get up on that horse and
Ride into the sunset
Look back with no remorse
He's a black magic wielder some say a witch
Wielded darkness when he was wilein' on his mom's
And born child and he was the bastard the that broke
Up the marriage evil doer doing evil from a baby carriage
And he was born with the same blue eyes
Crystal ships dripping with ice, diamonds coruscate
In the night fireworks electric bright
And now he's got his own two sons
Trys to hide his tears in a world of fun
But loveless bedrooms filled with doom
Bring silent heartache July to June
Swoon over new young hot flame
Mourn the memories later
Laugh now alligator

In a dream my father came to me
And made me swear that I’d keep
What’s sacred to me
And if i get the choice to live in his name
I’ll pray my way through the rain
Singing oh happy day

I don't mean to close the door
But for the record my heart is sore
You blew through me like bullet holes
Left stains on my sheets and stains on my soul
You left me broke down begging for change
Had to catch a ride with a man who's deranged
He had your hands and my father's face
Another western vampire
Different time same place
I has dreams that brings me sadness
Rain much deeper than a river
Sorrow flow through me
Tiny waves of shivers
Corny movies make me reminisce
They break me down easy on this generic love shit
First kiss frog and princess

I'm a shake you off though
Get up on that horse and
Ride into the sunset
Look back with no remorse

this day is stupid.

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 07:55:39 GMT

Dear Dad.

happy fathers day. I have never gotten to say this to you, I wish you wouldn't have killed yourself. I wish that the only thing you ever gave me wasn't the tendency to desire the same for myself. I hope that hell isn't real, and the bible lied and suicide doesn't result in eternity in hell because I love you even though you're selfish and took yourself away from me, and even though you got to escape this hell hole we all live in and I'm stuck here without a dad, and soon not a mom. I still love you and I don't want you to hurt. Mom still thinks you're her soul mate so please be in heaven waiting for her.

again. happy fathers day.

love your daughter.
ash

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 10:22:43 GMT

I went to Vashon with Britt and Micheal. All day, driving around the music, the mood, the weather all seemed to be planned by some alternate force... we had no control these days were meant for happiness. We went on a hike on the island, it was so beautiful and breathe taking the scenery reminded me of Jurassic Park. That night we built a bon fire down at the beach, I went out to find fire food and discovered a dead animal that had been washed a shore. The rest of the night was filled with group cuddles, long talks and expression of emotions we all to often hide. Happiness is uncomfortable, unsettling and often foreign for me and yet I embraced it for two days. The following day we went on a walk on the beach, the sun was hot to the skin. We stopped and got food and really neat local burger place on the island. The drive home was great, we took the Ferry in seattle which gave us a longer ride home. The music seemed to move through me, I had the most vivid lucid dreams. I came come and Micheal and I both briefly discussed that we had changed.

I have changed. Positively.

I napped for 5 hours, and went and seen Ocean's 13.

I have a new job, on the Rez... oh well it's waaaay better pay and closer to my mom and NOT AT THE MALL.

Also, I woke up today and went and seen Knocked Up, it's great.

I like going to the movies, I never do anymore...well until the last few days.

sorry for calls I've missed. I'll be returning them.