"It is today, my dear, that I take a perilous leap."-Voltaire [entries|friends|calendar] Ashley Hunt [ website | My Website ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Good bye livejournal. [21 Feb 2009|12:52am] I've grown up.. I'm happy with who I am. I love my boyfriend. We're going to have an amazing life and I've never been more content letting go of everything in the past. I'm lucky. 3 comments|post comment

[13 Dec 2008|02:17pm] things are not well. I'm standing on the edge... waiting. post comment

[11 Sep 2008|03:57am] The truth is I must have fucked up pretty badly to push my best friend away. . . I'm not even sure I know what happened anymore. Nothing more can be said at this point anyway, either the hatchet can or cannot be barried and I don't have the power to change anything after an appology. I miss her dearly though. I'm living down south again, still working in seattle and will be living there again soon. Drinking hasn't been happening like it used to, I realized that when I'm happy and comfortable I usually pace myself better. The world is hard, and ugly but occassionally it burts with beauty and light. I don't want to loose anyone else in my life because I'm being a professsional alcoholic jerk. . . I've met this group of people in seattle around my age that are locals, they seem different than the hipseter kids I've met thus far.  I've been reading a lot of Emma Goldmen lately and anarchist zines. I started my own zine as well. something new and different has started in my life...something rational. I don't want to announce it on here though. deal. 4 comments|post comment

[18 Jul 2008|01:23pm] basically shaved the head... I have some sweet jedi locks though...or sailor moon hair...something to that effect. also- she is making me crazzzzzy. I love my job.....I keep trying to believe that because I believe so strongly in what I'm doing. end transmission.  post comment

[08 Jun 2008|02:50am]   She.   She walks in as simply as she walked out. She never thought it really mattered, she always assumed it was all games. Love wasn't ever something she thought about, who was she fooling? That is all she ever yurned for, but this time she just walked away. For no reason except dely of intentions and simplistic reasoning. She built up this wall inside until it was too tall to see anything at all, beyond the giant gaping wound she called desire, lust, passion, in such a way that compassion had nothing to do with it. She kisses only for fun these days, not for passion or love like rays of sunshine that used to fill the places she called home, before the grey clouds settled over head. Once she heard a pure heart mutter "I love all of them in that moment." Now she wonders if she feels the same. Her permenant cynicism and ache are things that everyone see's now even through her glazed eyes and foggy headed grins, that smile that lit up the room, that lit up someone's heart, someone's love, is dead. That smile only happens with kisses that mean nothing from familiar strangers that she loves, yes loves, more deeply than the love she declared her own for all those years. Now everything she has and wants is scribbled down in incoherant fears on pages that aren't real, and never in her own hand writing. Clicking away, in secret and sometimes she shows it to the world. Nothing means everything to this girl, she see's self destruction and demise in the path she glides upon so easily. Bumpy roads held such promise and now that things run smoothly, she wants to fix it all. Make it feel better, please? Let her hang her head when she holds your hand, and watch as her pulse quickens and she shakes in your presense- is that fear? She hasn't hated you in months now, she hasn't cried in days....playing pretend always was her strong suite. Always was her favorite game. The lines you wish you read from books that without words provide, lies and lines and simple finds, nothing. meaning everything, and the past is something to be forgotten. erase lies from your life erase time from your mind and you'll see it there in an unknown time zone the love the life the lust you miss the kind lies gorgeous euphinisms for tainted nothings wishphered into naive ears and screamed in tear drenched faces. you see nothing now in my once all telling eyes something has to change on days with walks in rain standing there just to get wet washing away everything pretending that me and my conscience never met. too much time stuck in my own words too much time running through my own thoughts I can't escape my own head in these sober days of foggy left overs slight intoxication predelection and definition problems and cures and all knowing advice that abounds from nothing. I just need to be told I'm okay I just need to be told I'm all grown up I just need to know that I'm all grown up now mommy can't save me neither can you now. words of wisdom sentences of contempt are you attempting to try to hear words that were never said? lies, loves, jealousy, and trust families break, drug lust. lies...continue truth be told I love you I love life peter pan never grew old optimism does not forsake me only shows hope with smiles like plastic toys on lips of silk I've always known, and you've always known Nothing makes sense and the past is terrible place to live looking forward never back new plans pushing forward "fuck you!" I retract bitter words I said. I didn't mean. I'm all smiles I'm on the right track. I'm learning why I'm beautiful and and fixing what I lack. ps. britt. you are my best friend. I'm sorry. post comment

[11 Feb 2008|10:50am] I have a lot going on these days and it would take an endless amount of time to update you all on all of it...but mostly let's say hip-hip-horray for my personal life.. I have the most amazing best friend in the world and I am SO lucky to know you and that you deal with me and love me. My Boyfriend loves me- every ounce of me- every mistake  I make- every flaw and has a keen eye for seeing my qualities. I am very very blessed. I'm figuring out being thankful, and greatful, and such things...I think that is how you end up happy. My family life is what it is... Mom is still sick and getting worse as the days pass.  We are fighting for custody of my baby brother. Matt is still struggling. we are all trying to be strong. we are all always failing. but I know that these things are natural. I know that I will make it. 4 comments|post comment

Honestly...she was an old maid on her 20th birthday. [29 Nov 2007|05:45pm] [ music | desoloation row ] I have a lot going on these days and it would take an endless amount of time to update you all on all of it...but mostly let's say hip-hip-horray.. I have the two most amazing best friends in the world and I am SO lucky to know both of them and that they deal with me and love me. I LOVE YOU TWO LADIES MORE THAN ANYTHING...thank you for keeping me sane- calling me on my shit and having hella fun always. second... I bought a new harmonica..it's pretty sexy. third.... love is situational. fourth... I want to be around people who love who I am...and not around ones who don't. I'm figuring out being thankful, and greatful, and such things...I think that is how you end up happy. that and really looking at situations for what they are...No more self justifying people treating me badly... LOVES. to all. post comment

[28 Sep 2007|04:16pm]  okay, I've been in seclusion for a while now.. I just can't seem to desire to want to be out and about anymore. I've been looking a lot at my life and looking for reasons to be happy. But the truth is I'm still not at all. I had surgery on thursday- a biopcsy I had been putting off for too long. It's offical- cancer... Dear God, I really thought this was only an irrational fear. The pathology won't be back for two weeks. On the eleventh will be staging- and we will talk about treatment options. I was dizy, just out of surgery and terrified when I heard the doctor mumble something about "I'm refering you to a really great oncologist".... the room continued to spin... "the pathology won't be in for two weeks but I'm sure it's an early staging.."  I've slightly convinced myself that I'm still put under and I will wake up and they will tell me that I'm fine.. but I know I'm not. I'm sort of numb and I know my mother is a wreck about it she somehow feels responsible for passing some kind of gene or something- which is bull shit. I am angry, scared, and really lonely.  FUCK YOU VAGINA! all you ever do is cause me pain. post comment

[15 Sep 2007|02:18pm] sauntering sadly towards the future dragging my feet because I know weeping wondering dreams  only turn to nightmares in my sleep. love. post comment

[31 Aug 2007|10:25am] I'm going to bellingham. 1 comment|post comment

[29 Aug 2007|03:31pm] I'm still living at home, it's really weird and kind of hard really. My mom is slowly dying before my eyes but I am expected to just pretend that things aren't happening that way and that magically she will get better when she will not. My little brother is so addicted to pills that he is making about $500 a week and is still broke he comes home 2 times a week once to ask if I want to buy weed and once to eat and sleep. He and I hung out the other night- I sat up painting and he was crying about some girl whom recently broke up with him- the hurt was so real that I couldn't handle it.. I used to just get mad at him, now I see that he is human and it's awkward. I work 45-50 hours a week and on the weekend just try to forget about home. New music will be posted on myspace soon, I got a new keyboard it's fancy and fun. also, I have a bunch of paintings that are taking up lots of space in my room, anyone want some? 1 comment|post comment

[25 Aug 2007|02:23pm] This disgusting need to never be a lone has left me- surrounded and suffocating in situations of complete chaos and distaste. I am spending today alone... although I'm open for phone calls if you dig on that sort of thing. post comment

[24 Aug 2007|03:42pm] basically . think gangster... not the usher type the G-unit type. also think, punk rock... not the pop kind the dirty jobless kind... then think real love and it will never happen. confused. and I know not one of you will ever understand any of this or the confusion. also, I finally signed up for green peace. sweet. post comment

[13 Aug 2007|04:31pm] I'm back in one of those down times. sucks. post comment

[05 Aug 2007|12:45pm] there are certain things I wish with everything I had were easier; then I would know exactly what to do with some of this energy in my life. I'm finally okay with being single- and not looking, while I'm lonely I know that I won't be rushing into anything with anyone for a while it's great.  I really want my next relationship to have a strong foundation before any labels or constrictions are thrown at me or the other person. in other news: I thought I was over the whole dating girls thing and I've had a few dates this week- also I can't get him off my mind and it's awkward.  ummm... mom is doing pretty well, work is actually great, cell is still trashed, dyed my hair again it's looking rather nice oh and I'm recording a song soon for people to listen I couldn't put the other crap on here. ooooh, and my birthday is the 19th make plans with me? really I just want an adventure and good company for my birthday...so let me know if you want to be involved. 3 comments|post comment

[31 Jul 2007|02:36pm] baiscally, I'm just still figuring things out. post comment

[20 Jul 2007|11:56pm] Most of the people on here have no idea what's been going on in my life, I've been a wreck since well... I can't remember far back enough to remember when exactly I felt the way I do now rather than the way I've been feeling. This isn't me proclaiming that I'm finally happy or whatever or that I've found the secret to life I've just found for a breif moment a bit and tiny bit of sanity. I made a list the other day and well- I'm doing it.  Alone or not I can do this. I will always truly be alone, humans will always let me down as I will always let everyone around me down. Seeing as I'm stuck permanently alone with myself I've decided to spend more than a little time working on me and taking care of me. You cannot have freedom without heartache- and sir I'm as free as a bird. So that means I'm alone with a broken heart. Fuck it. I'm free. I'm making a point to try to love myself. 4 comments|post comment

[08 Jul 2007|11:47pm] allllsoooo. my phone is dead...and the charger is missing and I can't call anyone I have no numbers.... my house number is 360-456-3190. I'm off from friday to sunday... call me or drop by the rez mart between 3-midnight. post comment

[08 Jul 2007|11:43pm] to be honest I'm falling apart. but I feel the strongest I've ever been. I can watch a sunset on my own I can be alone. I can be alone. But honestly I would probably die without my weekends, they keep my going. beach. bathtub. ferris wheel. horses. nicks laser show. gay club. best friends. love. You know you made me happy you made me very very merry, but obviously you didn't want to stick around.... so I learned from you. I can be alone. post comment

[26 Jun 2007|08:40am] I find myself wishing that someone would pull me up from the pool of disgusting goo I've been swimming in- maybe that's the problem all together me waiting for someone else to pull me out and not just climbing out myself. Good god, maybe it will be this way forever. post comment

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